“What the F are you doing Eryn?”  I ask myself this question at least 17 times a day, as I plow through my, multi tabbed, Excel, “Travel Plans To Do” spreadsheet like a freight train speeding towards my departure date…  It’s like this continuous battle inside my brain… Who do you think you are traveling as a single woman, out there in the world, on your own?  If only you had a penis, the world would seem less threatening.  But you don’t have a penis Eryn – This is too dangerous!  Too many things could go wrong…  No, no, Eryn, it’s fine – you can do this.  You’re strong, independent, courageous, and capable (I am???) – you’ll be fine! (There are other epic battles being waged inside my brain right now too, but I won’t subject you to those quite yet.)

I listen to my well-traveled, yoga teacher friends who speak of overseas travel like they’re going to Miami for the weekend… I envy their confidence and worldly experiences.  For me, although I know this great adventure awaits, I must admit, it is a source of high anxiety…

I get mixed responses from my friends and family about my travel plans…

Supportive – “Oh, this will be an intrepid spiritual journey of great reflection and growth!”

Perplexed – “India?  Really?  Uhhhh, WHY????”

Passively dissuasive – “Have you ever traveled overseas by yourself before?  Do you know many foreign languages?”

Cautious – “May I offer you a chastity belt and some pepper spray for your journey?”

Oh, and my favorite…

Second guessing – The very friend that suggested I travel said, “Wow, you know, I’ve been thinking about this and it’s just struck me you’re leaving so soon… I don’t think I’d have the balls to do what you’re doing.  I’ll have to think more carefully next time before I put a crazy idea in your head.”  Greaaaaat, that instills unwavering confidence – NOT!

So, I guess, based on the reactions I’m getting from all my friends and family, it’s normal to be having these mixed emotions muddled with high anxiety…  That’s what I’m telling myself anyway… Oh, and please, hold all your, “You can do it Eryn” and “It’s all going to be great, you’ll do fine”, comments…  Your support means the world, but this is really just a random dumping of my emotions… It will pass, and I’ll get on a plane…

For now though, the battles inside my brain carry on…. Breathe, Eryn, breathe….. Put those negative thoughts away so you don’t attract negative events into your life…  Just Breathe…

Breathing…

Breathing…

Advertisements