There’s something really strange about moving out of a place that you love and putting everything you own into storage – Something so symbolic about having your life in a box. Why do I have all this stuff in the first place? Why do I feel these things are so important to pay an exorbitant amount of money for climate-controlled storage to keep these things? Do I really need all these things anyway? I decided yes, they are all (well, ok, almost all) sentimental attachments. But, if all my things are here, then where is home? That’s when it sunk in… Oh…right… Nowhere is home… No one is home…
Now, I don’t mean to be overly dramatic about being homeless. I, of course, could go out and rent a studio somewhere and move all my worldly possessions there – Get back into a job and settle down. And I have tons of friends and family that have offered me a place to land… But I know that’s not the path for me right now and I have chosen this path of solidarity… It’s all good. Yes, Eryn, this is good…. This is what you need right now… Go out there and see the world! Yes… Go out there and find Eryn! Yes… Go out there and just be…. Be free! Yes! Ok, ok, I’m going, I’m going!!!
There have, however, been many things in the past few weeks that have made me seriously question the decision to go. There are the typical, I’m scared to death doubts, that have made me question it… Nope, I’m overcoming those!!! Saying goodbye to my dear friends and the place I’ve called home, Key West… Much more difficult than I imagined it would be… But more specifically, someone interesting was sort of, just thrown into my life in the last several weeks and it has really caught me off guard. It started with a little afternoon chai tea and has been evolving ever since. Dammit man, I was not prepared for this!!
In the past, it would’ve been soooo like me to succumb to the power of a new relationship and totally modify my plan to accommodate it. After all, I really have always been searching for that true love above everything else – someone I could call home. All the other things – money, career, possessions, adventure, even friends (I’m embarrassed to say) have all taken a back seat, in the past, to my search for love.
I’ve had to find a way to keep my perspective about this new, more than a friend, relationship and stay true to my journey. Although it goes against my nature to leave someone with relationship potential, I somehow know I cannot alter my course. I’ve been altering my course to accommodate men in various ridiculous ways since I was 15. And how’s that been working out for me? Not well, I can tell you that!
Part of the goal of this trip is for me to figure out how to be happy with myself (don’t know why that is so hard) and find my soul path for the future, without the influence or crutch of a man in my life. I have finally realized the destructive patterns that have been constant in my life, and they all surround my being attached to a man. I’ve got to learn to stand with myself… by myself… for myself…. Only then, will I be ready to accept someone else in my life.
I know this man was thrust into my life for some reason, which is not yet clear to me… But as he pointed out, we can’t spend too much time contemplating the why, the what, and the when, or we will certainly miss the next miracle or the next rainbow… Wiser words were never spoken…
All I can say is “WOW”.
You are stronger than you know.
You are so eloquent- and so friggin cool.