The Elusive Garden 6-21-15

It’s been so serious around here on the blog lately with all this Vipassana stuff, I thought I’d liven it up a bit with a trip to the Erotic Garden of Penises. Yep, you read it right, the garden of penises. In the nearby town of Mae Rim, about 60km north of Chiang Mai, there is a tea house with a garden full of penis sculptures and all things erotic, artfully displayed for all to enjoy while sipping tea.

I was feeling a bit off today and was a little conflicted about whether I was really up for making the hour long journey on my scooter, but I thought it’d be nice to get out of the city for a change and I was determined to find you all something to laugh about.

I hopped on my scooter and took off.  Hopefully the penises wouldn’t judge me too harshly for my helmet hair after the hour long journey.  It’s hard to have good hair riding a scooter, but hey, I’m doing the best I can.  LOL.  Ahhh yes, what a nice way to spend an afternoon; writing amongst the penises. 

Traffic was heavy and I’d just passed the outer ring of the city when I saw a police checkpoint up ahead. There was no place for me to turn off to avoid it. Oh shit! The policeman waved me over with a stiff arm in a very authoritative way. Oh double shit! This was the first time I’d been pulled over, but it’s common here to have checkpoints; I knew it was just a matter of time.

The man asks for my license and I reluctantly pull out my Florida drivers license. “Oooohhhh Florida, no no, need International license,” he said. “Yes, I know. Don’t have International,” I said, squeamishly.

I’d been told by several people including the scooter rental place that it wasn’t really a big deal to not have the international drivers license; all you had to do was pay the officer off if you were pulled over. I hoped I’d never find myself in that situation, but here I was talking to the little Thai fellow in his tight uniform, face mask over his mouth and his motorcycle helmet. Eryn, are you really about to bribe a Thai police officer?

We had a little back and forth with some broken English and before long I was offering him money. I started with 200 baht which is like $6. He shook his head, “No no”. He moved a clipboard in my direction showing me a piece of paper with a lot of Thai writing on it with a hand written number on the bottom that read, 1000 baht. “No way!”  A little haggling and we settled at 500 baht; he let me go.  Whew, you’ve just bribed a police officer – that actually worked!  Woohoo!

Another 30 minutes of driving and I knew I was in the area of the Erotic Garden. I could feel myself being pulled there like a magnet. Hahaha, not really. It was off the main road and usually signs are in Thai, so I suspected it would be difficult to find.  I used my google maps on my phone and I was surprised to see the Erotic Garden did show on the map so I figured I’d get close and then would find my way. Well, I was wrong! I drove down all these little back lanes where my map said it was. I must’ve driven up and down, back and forth in the general area for 30 minutes – no penises! No signs for the Erotic Garden, no tea house, no nothing!

Then the sky opened up and the rain poured down. I pulled over on the side of the road and hid under an awning of a closed shop. I waited a while for the rain to stop and decided it just wasn’t my day to visit the Erotic Garden.  I didn’t feel like searching anymore and the phone numbers didn’t work. I didn’t really feel comfortable asking strangers for directions that likely wouldn’t understand me anyway. Ummm, yes, Mr. Stranger can you tell me where the Erotic Garden is please?  I hopped back on my scooter and went home and took at nap.

I guess I was not meant to start my love affair with the garden of penises today.  Ohhh but the jumping pictures would’ve been SO good!  Ha!  Maybe some other time.  Here are some pics I found on line for you though 🙂  Enjoy!